Bente. That's ben-tuh.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Refinement

Refinement, according to Miriam-Webster.com:
: the act or process of removing unwanted substances from something : the act or process of making something pure
: the act or process of improving something
: an improved version of something

Let me break this down: October 24th- Church Halloween Trunk or Treat- It was awesome. We went as "road kill" which means that LeRoy put paint on the truck's tires and ran over some old clothes and I painted tire tracks on faces and aerosol sprayed my hair whilst laying down on my bathroom floor. I threw together some chili. We won most creative costume, and I actually won best overall chili (but not most popular, I think the judges took pity on my chili). It was awesome.
October 31- Halloween- It was cold, but awesome. We set up a cornhole, which LeRoy built out of wood like with nails and stuff, and made the kids do tricks for their treats (in the hole = 3 pieces, on the board = 2 pieces, and totally missed = 1 piece). It was a total hit, the kids loved it. I stayed and LeRoy took the kids around the neighborhood. I dressed up as a That 70's Show kind of hippie and got hit on by some teen-age boys....awkward. It was freezing cold, but super fun.
Sunday Nov. 2nd - Feel impressed at church to share my thoughts and testimony about refinement.  
Tuesday Nov.4 - 2am wake up with severe can't-take-a-breath chest pains, sit up to try to get a handle on what's going on and my head is spinning so fast I can't see straight, try to get up to go throw up and my legs are lead weights. I wake LeRoy and have to call an ambulance to get me to the hospital cuz I think I  might be having a stroke or a heart attack. Doc says it's an MS exacerbation, and the MRI says I have a new lesion in my brain (that makes me in the more than 10 range). 3 days of hospital and IV steroids. Tuesday I couldn't walk and sounded like a slurring drunkard. Friday I shuffled out of the hospital with a cane (cuz I was too proud to be a 33 year old road-kill hippie with a walker). Saturday I caved and starting using the walker because my legs couldn't lift themselves.
Sunday- I just had to go to church (because sitting alone in a bed for days just doesn't help a person recover) and show off my sweet new wheels and my walker shuffle, all the while feeling so strongly that I needed to pull it together to go Monday morning to Keaton's 5th Grade science camp. The Hymn during our Sacrament Meeting was As Now We Take the Sacrament, and there is this line that sticks out to me every time, "And silently we pray For courage to accept thy will, To listen and obey."- I was struck by this line shortly after my diagnosis when I was finally coming to terms with the fact that this disease was mine. I couldn't deny or ignore it. I couldn't make it go away or even control what happens because of it. I had to have the courage to accept the fact that for whatever reason, my Heavenly Father made a plan for Bente that includes dealing with Multiple Sclerosis. Sunday night- I'm sobbing on the floor in my bedroom trying to reconcile the intense feeling that I need to go to the camp, with my overwhelming exhaustion and inability to walk and function the way I should. I felt like me going was part of God's plan for me. Keaton's teachers and school did so much to make it possible for us to go, and I felt like it was necessary. I decided right before I went to sleep that I would have courage, and I would listen to Holy Ghost who was telling me I needed to this, and that I would trust that Heavenly Father would make me able.
Monday Nov. 10- Camp Jolt- I pack up my two bags, stack them on my walker with my cane and head into the school cafeteria to check in as a chaperone. We get up to the camp and I start trying to get my sweet walker to be an off-road vehicle on rocky dirt paths. My shuffle and my walker turn out to be enemies with camp life, not to mention that I'm quite sure I was scaring the entire forest with all the noise of a violently shaking walker (which I actually had to tighten the screws on because it was rattling apart). Humility: : the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people (Miriam-Webster.com) Humiliation: : to cause (a person) a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity; mortify (dictionary.reference.com). These are the definitions for how it felt. But I chinned-up the situation and went with the cane so that I could better navigate the world of science camp. My legs still felt awkward and heavy, and by the end of the first day I wanted to crawl in a hole, but I did it. Finally me and my totally-awesom-chaperone-roomy get 9 loud, crazy, I-totally-love-them, 5th grade girls to go to bed. I'm reading my scriptures, and I come across this, "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma nad his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord" - Mosiah 24:14-15. So, I say my prayers and ask that I will be able to handle the rest of this crazy adventure.... and then I hear crying. One of my girls was sad to be away from home, and as soon as I get her settled back in bed and I doze off, I hear puking. She did not fair well that night and my totally-awesome-chaperone-roomy (Debra) and I tried everything, but by morning she just needed to head home. 
Tuesday Nov. 11 - The Hike to Monkey Bridge day- This was a 4 mile hike. The teachers had a plan to make it so that I could sit this one out, but this is me we're talking about, so of course I'm going. I wake up and get out of bed and my legs feel almost completely under my control! So I leave the cane on the end of the bed and walk out of the cabin ready to tackle this thing, and I walk out to my son waiting for me outside my cabin. The first thing out of his mouth is, "Mom, you don't have your walking without your cane!" and I said that I felt like I could do it, and he said, "My prayers worked." And I know that I have done the right thing and that I have the best kids on the planet and that being a Mom is awesome and that having MS is a bump in the road that I can shuffle over, walker on top of, and flatten. 
The rest of this story is that I hobbled all over that camp and grew to love a bunch of 5th grade girls (Machenzie, Hallie, Kenedy, Aileen, Melissa, Kayla Gar, Kayla Ger, and Julianne) and got to show my son that I love him, that prayers are listened to and answered, that I can do anything with the Grace of a loving God, and that I am flippin stronger than I ever thought I could be. 
I am being refined by MS. It is the process by which I am being made pure, the process that is removing the unwanted substances (like my pride, my weakness, my lack of faith/trust). It is improving me by teaching me to see how much Heavenly Father helps me. It is teaching me that there is an enabling power that comes from a Savior who chose to suffer all of this for me, so that He would know how to help me. It is teaching me to go through trials "cheerfully and with patience", and to submit to the will and plan of God with trust that He will help me to do what is asked, "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them"- 1Nephi 3:7. 
This last 2 weeks has felt like months. I am still struggling with the residual symptoms of having the wires in my brain being eaten away at, but I have seen and felt a miraculous hand in all of this. I know that this is my Heavenly Father, and that He loves me. I also know that I am putting everything I have, all of my might, mind, and strength, into following His teachings. It is not an easy path, and like everyone in this life who has trials and problems, it down-right sucks sometimes, but seeing and feeling the way He weaves my plan, and puts people in my life who I need, and inspires me to do what's best for me (like go to intense science camp physical therapy) even when I think I can't, but then it turns out that it probably got me walking faster than I ever would have on my own. It is amazing. It is refining. I am blessed. My family is being blessed. And I am so thankful. 
That's all folks. I told you I wouldn't be great at this (hence the weeks of radio silence), but onward we go. Happy Thanksgiving. Look for what is refining you, and be thankful.

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