The chemo journey. This is a testimony of the power of prayer, and the power of Grace, so if you have any problems with that feel free to stop reading, but if you have even a "mustard seed" size belief in God, then you might just want to keep on reading...or if you love me at all! jk...or are a good person...jk....I'm really kidding. Shutting up now, but not...ok, whatever.
It all began with the last post about my MS episode in November. That episode was evidence that once again my MS was "breaking through the barrier" of another MS medication. Because the last 2 were considered more "aggressive" maintenance meds, my next step was going to need to be even more so. So....Doctor G (that's my neurologist) sat us down and gave us some of the options. The two that felt like the best were the most aggressive, the butt kickers, the kill shots, the big deal options. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a "butt kicker" kind of gal, so obviously the idea of that appealed to me! I mean, come on, a chance for me to beat the crap of this disease. I'll take it!
So, the decision process began. Which means I prayed and I researched my options. A lot. And my husband prayed, and then I went to the Temple. What better place to get an answer to a prayer, and not just to prayer, but to go to the Lord with two options, and ask for help in choosing the right path for you? The answer is, there isn't a better place. And this holy place of God provided the peace and answers that I was seeking! I took my two choices (I'm going to leave out the names of the treatments for objectional purposes. If anyone reads this and has to make a decision I wouldn't want my choice to be a deterrent from the one I didn't choose) and I asked the Lord specifically, "is this the choice that is right for me?", and then I focused on the answer yes. I felt nothing, so I focused on the answer no, and I felt a buzzing feeling throughout my body. I felt the answer no. So I moved on to the next option (which deep down was the one LeRoy and I both felt the most strongly about), and I asked the Lord, "is this the right choice for me?" and I focused on the answer yes. I cannot describe the overwhelming feelings of peace, joy, energy, love, approval, every positive feeling you can feel, that ran through my heart and my mind. And just to be thorough I focused on the answer no. I felt nothing, so I went back to yes, and all of the confirming feelings were there. I knew without doubt which course was right for me. (for all of my girls in YW, you've heard this story, no, this testimony, but I will tell it again and again! So get used to it!) I walked out of the House of the Lord with a confidence and a resolve that I knew what to do next. Not only that, but I knew that my Father in heaven was guiding me to the treatment that would answer the last 3 years worth of prayer for healing. Now I just needed to tell Dr. G.
This is a summary of a woven pattern that has taken years to put together. I don't know if I have the stamina to blog the years of being placed in the right places, around the right people, at the right times, in order to be where I am right now. I've talked about it very briefly on FB, but the treatment I felt was right is called HiCy (high dose cyclophosphimide, or high intensity Cytoxan), otherwise known as chemo for MS. The same concept they use for cancer cells applies to MS, just all in one shot because I am not dying. They use chemo to attack the rapidly growing cells, because if you kill the rapidly growing cells that cancer feeds off of, then you can put it in remission. It's a bit the same for MS, only it's killing the immune system that attacks the Central Nervous System (your brain and your spine) (p.p.s. I'm obviously not a doctor, so this is like SO dumbed down! Don't judge) and then you "re-boot" your immune system to get rid of the glitch. It involves 4 treatments of this high intensity Cytoxan in the hospital, and then being sent home to recoup. They inject you with a drug called Neulasta to help your bone marrow kick into high gear when you hit rock bottom. This is where I'm at on this journey. I just received my Neulasta shot yesterday, and I'm waiting on rock bottom. This means I have like no immunity as of this weekend, but this should only last a couple days and then my immune system will start to re-build....without
MS!!
It's a bit like trying to put all of the Harry Potter books into a 2 hour movie, but this is my chronicle, so take it or leave it!
-I have learned so much about getting answers when you need them: search out your options, and then ask specifically. "But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right."-D&C 9:8
-I've learned about the power of prayers: as I was in the hospital getting the chemo treatments, the last 2 were pretty rough. You can feel the poison in your body, killing you in sense. It doesn't feel great. And on the morning I was supposed to be released I woke up SO sick! It was uncontrollable, and relentless. I started to think things like, "what have you done, Bente! You can't undo this!" and then I just started asking for strength, asking for Grace, because I was NOT strong enough for this. And then the thought came to my mind of all of the people who were and have been praying for me, and I slowly (and I mean way slower than I wanted) started to feel like I was being lifted out of hopelessness and physical despair. I felt the power of prayer. Of every prayer from every person who has offered one on my behalf. I felt the Grace and power of God. And I got up at 7am (after 24hrs of HELL) and started packing my bags and moving and eating a little with the determination that I was out of there! And I was.
-I've learned about the power of Divine Interventions: you know when there are just too many "coincidences" to not be the hand of God. Like being placed in Little Elm 6 mos before being diagnosed, right where my amazing friends from back in the day were living and working at UTSW (and even in neurology), where one of the top MS clinics/doctors are working on a cure, and even the lack of response to medications and all the frustrations that have come with that and the progressions of the disease. ALL of these things were happening for a reason, "and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my [daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good"-D&C 122:7 - my being a viable candidate for this treatment.
And now for a to be continued conclusion ;-) ....
I'm not done, obviously. I am being strengthened daily. I feel SO loved! And at the risk of offending or being considered lame, I offer a blanket THANK YOU SO MUCH! to everyone who has been helping my family, sending meals, PRAYING, sending texts that make me laugh. out. loud. or even just smile, I cannot express or write enough thank you cards for all of the support that we have felt! So please accept my overflowing gratitude for the shortest thought of positivity to the sacrifice of your time and efforts to take care of my kids or my husband. Please don't be offended if you don't get a thank you card, or a visit from me. I know what you are doing, and believe me when I tell you that I am so thankful for you! We're not out of the woods yet, so be patient with us, and don't stop loving me!! cuz I love you all right back! Sincerely and wholeheartedly!
The (almost) end, of this post.... ;-) until the next novel.... ok for real.... peace out!
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