Not-Really-Rebellious Rebellions

So, I have given this a lot of thought, and have come to terms with the fact that I am fundamentally....you have to believe it because it will be on the internet now..... a rule follower. GASP! sCrEamS of shock! BUT....(I like dots)... I also thrive on what I affectionately think of as the "not-really-rebellious" rebellions. You know, like refusing to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the end because in the grand scheme of life choices, who the fresh cares. Or, "No I will not matchy match my clothes, or socks, or sometimes earrings, or the curtains in my house." (or anything, even if my husband says I look like a pirate) Or, "Why yes I did just make that word/phrase up!" I think this is my greatest guilty pleasure, and I start looking for these "not-really-rebellious" rebellions: anything that doesn't really affect anyone else. "It's not a big deal" (until you find out that it might be a big deal, and then people think that you are for realz rebellious, but that's just because they don't really know you)(climbing water towers? but when I learned it was super illegal I stopped trying)).
My latest "not really" is my (secret) running. (I apologize for anyone who was in my lesson on Sunday) It is true that I was an avid runner before MS, and it is also true that my body does not like for me to run anymore. It completely drains me, and it might, maybe, have been the cause in the past year for some MS flare-ups. At the risk of now holding myself accountable for my, admittedly at times, not-so-smart "not-really"s, I confess that when I have gone for my morning walks since school started, I am really running. Really it's like a jog, or even a trot. In my defense, it has always been the prime part of my day for hearing and speaking to my heavenly Father.
So, yesterday as I was on my "walk" I was thinking through this aspect of my personality in relation to the lesson I taught in church on Sunday. I like to bring psychology into my lessons 1. because I've had to read so much about it over the last 3 years, and 2. because through this studying I have come to understand that God created this part of us, and it was created to be a gift. Human psychology (how and why we act, think, say, and feel the way we do) is our gift to choose and decide who we want to be, what we want to believe, and with that belief decide what we will do. A big part of the lesson was about what happens when a person is addicted to something: mostly in reference to different forms of pornography, but also including food, drugs, alcohol, etc... (Psychology breakdown, parts of the brain: Control, Rewards, Drive, Memory) I mentioned that we can technically get addicted to anything that signals the rewards section of the brain enough that it will start looping to the memory and motivation sections, until the control part of the brain is taken out of the loop. This is an addiction; when the control has been taken out of the loop, and there is only a memory of the feeling of reward (or pleasure) and the motivation to keep that going. No control. It physically changes how the brain functions. This is why heavenly Father wants us to control the things we do in our lives. It is the purpose for commandments and rules and guidelines and all those things He has asked us to do, or not do.
So, I'm secretly running, and asking myself, "can you get addicted to good things?" and I think the answer is, no. If it is good (and good for you), then there will be control over doing it. The decision to not do it would never be difficult because it would be controlled.
Conclusion: I should pick a different physical activity because my body tells me time and again that this is too much. If I feel like I "have to" run, like I "can't, not" run, then the control is being left out of the loop. And my "not-really-rebellious" (secret) running is really just rebellion. GASP!
I don't "have to" squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, I just want to cuz I'm lazy!

Bente- that's ben-tuh.

My name is Danish, but I live in the U.S. of A., so that means that no one ever gets my name right! I had a theater teacher in high school, who after hearing me pronounce my name, said, “So, you’re bent-er than most!” It was pretty funny, but she wasn’t the last person to say that so that’s why it’s the name of the blog. 

Growing up I used to wish my name was something glamorous like “Victoria”, and as an adult I seriously consider going by another name if only in public places, and especially at doctor’s offices, and my kids’ schools, and any first-time meetings, and definitely on emails to people I don’t know well. Hence the phonetic pronunciation guide version (which BTW gets written on those “Hi, My Name Is (Bente – ben-tuh)” name-tags) 

But, alas, Bente is my name. It suits me. Fits me like a nice worn-in pair of comfy slip-on shoes (the go-to ones you use for car pool and a quick run to the store, or to go out to the mail box). So I can’t bring myself to change it, or even pretend that I’m anything other than just Bente. I am a Wife and Mom and a Mormon and I have MS. This is my attempt at “that thing called…”… blogging. You get points if you catch my movie quotes!